What Happened?

What Happened? You'd know if I tell you. But will I?

Probably the hardest and most important lesson I’ve learned in my life is:

I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.

It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks.

The only thing that actually matters is what I think.

Fuck everybody.

Like seriously, everybody else can fuck off.

It’s my liiiiiife. It’s now or never.

Psh…. I only ever look like that when I’m fucking pissed.
What ridiculous mythical creature are you?

Psh…. I only ever look like that when I’m fucking pissed.

What ridiculous mythical creature are you?

Wedding Planning

It’s been over a year that we’ve been engaged and I can’t plan a wedding without pulling my hair out. I couldn’t move past the guest list.

Let’s not fucking kid ourselves here…. We don’t even talk to these people and I couldn’t care any less if they all died tomorrow. Why the fuck would I need them at my wedding? Just telling the truth.

Damn.

I’m fucking beautiful.

I hate it when people force you to take 50 pictures when you’re just trying to hang out with them.

I hate it even more when they force you to smile for each of those pictures.

And I really absolutely hate it when they tell you how to pose and now your body is all kinds of twisted.

"Here’s ugly ass pictures of you with fake ass smiles looking really uncomfortable. I’m gonna tag you and post it all over facebook. You’re welcome."

I Regret Nothing

I slept all day.

I got up to pee then went back to bed.

I got up again to eat something then went back to sleep for 5 more hours.

Now I’m up and I don’t know what to do with myself.

"I'm sorry he made you feel that way. If it's any consolation, I want you to know I still think warmly of and care deeply for you, and I sincerely wish the best for you. Take care, old friend."

Asked by jaybreezy

It’s alright, it’s my fault. It’s what I get…. It’s good to know you still care. I still care very much about you and am sincerely happy to know you found someone who can make you happy. I want you to know I’ve always wanted you to be happy wherever or whoever gives you that. I tried hard to hate you for leaving but I can’t blame you and I hate that I still don’t hate you. I hope you’re happy there and if you are, that’s good enough for me.

PS

Thanks, dad…. That’s exactly what I needed. I was doing so well with my depression and then you came to visit to remind me how unwanted I am. Thanks! I needed a trip back down into a deep, dark hole. It’s kinda cold in there, just the way I like it. 

So daddy came to visit me a few days ago….

I haven’t seen him in 3 or 4 years…. He thought it had been 10 years…. Maybe it had been. Lots of things change in just a year, y’know.

Still, he only spent one night and left.

Since he left, I’ve been going out (getting myself McDonalds and Panda Express). I come back home to just lay around for hours and peacefully rest (my tired eyes from crying from a deja vu feeling of him leaving me all over again).

This is the guy who’s gonna walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Why am I not excited to plan a wedding, I wonder? (Because it’s all bullshit and all for show)

My fiance forgot my father’s name because we never see the guy. I almost got offended that my fiance didn’t know my father’s name. But why should I get mad at something that’s not my fiance’s fault. I don’t even know my father’s middle name, favorite food, what he does in his spare time, why he can’t spend any time with me, why he left, and why does he keep leaving, etcetera.

I’m gonna bite off more than I can chew and I’m gonna chew like hell, damn it.

Look, I don’t want you to think I’m a bitch

I definitely am but only in my private thoughts.

If I hate your guts, you probably wouldn’t even know it unless you’ve been an insufferable POS to me. Even then, I’d probably be unbearably "nice" to you.

My father once told me, “Kill your enemies with kindness”.

This “fan” of mine says we look so similar we might as well be twins.

After some thought and outrage on my part, I figured she’s right.

We’re both ugly. I’m ugly on the inside. She’s ugly on the outside.

If I write this message in my own words, I only have this to add:
I look perfect but my problem is, you’re in the photo. I don’t want to be seen with you…. You and I are not “friends” in real life.

If I write this message in my own words, I only have this to add:

I look perfect but my problem is, you’re in the photo. I don’t want to be seen with you…. You and I are not “friends” in real life.

It’s F****ing Thursday!

The count down in this shitty neighborhood begins!

In exactly THREE days from now, I won’t have to wake up from doors slamming, children screaming, stomping apartment neighbors, police sirens, or from plain annoyance that we ever agreed to live in this wretched place for an entire year.

Also, I had a therapeutic and enlightening conversation with a stranger… My depression has a good reason for being there and it all makes fucking sense now. Knowing what is causing this dreadful feeling of hopelessness really helps me out because now, I’m better prepared to handle it. I also learned something new… The term, “gaslighting”.

New life, here I come! <3

There’s no more denying it.

I’ve been depressed for a while now.

I tried to look for answers as to why I feel the way I do. Maybe it’s because both my parents abandoned me. Maybe it’s because I’ve trusted the wrong people. Maybe it’s because I’m genetically predisposed to feel this way.

I don’t know the answer.

And quite frankly, I’m tired of sulking around and destroying myself from the inside out. I’m fucking disappointed it took me this long to want to get back up on my feet. I’m better than this.

Starting right now, no excuses. Fucking respect myself. Fucking love myself. Fucking pay attention to myself. Fucking defend what I want, need, believe in, and feel.

Nobody is gonna do it for me and I need to fucking fight for myself.

Ain’t takin’ no more shit from nobody. Not from my fiance, not from my parents, not from my siblings, not from my idiot neighbors, not from my frenemies. I need to fucking live my life the way I’ve always thought I should.

I’m a fucking great person with a great fucking mind and a great fucking heart. If you gonna try to use me, abuse me, hurt me, fuck wit me —- I’ma fuck you right up.

I didn’t get this far to be treated any less than I deserve. All y’all entitled, self-centered, sons of bitches motherfucking dumbasses can kiss my sweet ass.