What Happened?

What Happened? You'd know if I tell you. But will I?

Dear Future Husband,

I asked you to get your family’s addresses so we can send them the wedding invitations and such….

I asked you for a reason….

But then you tell me to ask your mom to do it…..

The reason I asked you is that so I wouldn’t have to talk to her and more importantly, it is so I’d still like her when the day of the wedding finally comes.

If you haven’t noticed, she has been pressuring me like a bat-shit-crazy-fuck from hell to "give her grand babies". She even stole my birth control pills the last time we were at her house. That’s not all the crazy stuff she does that makes me doubt my own sanity for putting up with her (and all this).

So, never fucking mind. I’ll do it myself….

Are men this fucking frustrating in everything?

I guess it’s a good thing…..

Some of my exs are still friends with me on facebook.

Occasionally, they post something interesting and it makes me curious about how they’re doing. And so I go snoop a little….

The good men I used to date are now happily married and already had their firstborns. They’re great fathers to their kids. Most of them are in the transition of buying their first home. Many of them are doing really well in their chosen careers. Sometimes I wonder the awful “what ifs”.

What if I didn’t break up with him.

What if we ended up together.

What if we had a child together.

What if it was me in those wedding photos.

What if that was me in her place.

Damn, I’m so much hotter than his wife. I wonder if he still thinks about me……

After a while, I know I made the right choices because I don’t want any of those what ifs even though these guys seem to have the perfect life. They take good care of their women. They give so much to their children and they make great husbands. But I still don’t want to be with them. Then or now. I’m pretty happy with who I’m with now and that’s never happened before (this is a pretty big deal, I just realized).

One of the guys I dated was as perfect as you can get them. He promised me everything a girl could ever ask for. He did everything perfectly and it made me sad knowing that I could never reciprocate his feelings or actions. I broke up with him because he was a good guy who deserves more than I can give him. I told him he would be happier without me.

And I was right. Look at him now. He has a pretty wife who loves him and she gave him a child. She’s probably a proper lady and she probably goes to church every Sunday. She probably bakes, cooks, cleans, takes care of their child then takes care of him when he gets home. She probably doesn’t have “issues” like I do. Now they’re in that pretty little house with white picket fences and big windows. Picture perfect family. I’m happy for him. I never could have given him something like that.

This sucks to admit every time but…..

…. you know you dated a real loser if you feel bad for the girl he’s now dating.

Oh, shut up already.

"When are you going to get engaged?"

You get engaged and then it’s “When is the wedding?”.

You get married and then it’s “When are you going to have children?”

 

I Think We’re Finally Moving Outta Here

We found a fancy community near the beach with two vacant condos. It’s not as close to the beach as we are now but it’s a gated community and people seem to stay inside where they belong. And it’s quiet.

Oh my good lord, it’s quiet! They only have 40 units in the entire complex, which probably means I’m gonna have the pool and the hot tub all to myself most of the time. Who cares about the ocean! People pee in there.

I think I’m gonna start packing our stuff. Sayonara, ghetto neighbors! Hope I never ever ever have to see you ever again.

It’s A Nice Day Here in California

Just watch out for assholes on the road and my asshole neighbor.

I’m fucking tired of my rowdy neighbor

He drinks all day while smoking pot, which is totally fucking fine if he wasn’t making such a fucking noise that it wakes me up in the morning or makes me jump out of my seat.

He’s so fucking wasted that I can’t even walk to my garage without being harassed.

Like seriously, it’s 11 am and I’m fucking shaking with rage.

Some people are just so fucking lucky. I can’t believe this guy is still out there getting away with driving under the influence every damn day. He runs out of beer by 7 pm and I see this drunk bastard get into his car and come back with a 6 pack.

Where the fuck is liver disease, brain damage, and cardiac arrest when you need them to deliver someone to the gates of hell? Even if it’s just to the brink of death, I’d be grateful.

I Blame You

Your petty bullshit, self-centered drama, and self-importance ended it all.

Fuck you coz I can’t find someone to replace the fun we used to have.

I hate you so much.

"Parenting Advice"

New Parents: “You wanna hold him?”

Me: “Not really.”

I wouldn’t worry too much about it….

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I was talking to an old friend who brought up someone I absolutely loathe.

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Me: Oh, is that person still alive?

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Her: Yes, and he’s doing awesome………

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Me: Of course, he is……

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(How could a deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, self-serving piece of shit not be!)

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But let’s be honest here. Sooner or later, someone that annoying can’t possibly be alive for much longer.

You need someone there for you…..

Someone who will put their faith in you and believe in you.

So that you can be extraordinary.

If you think relationships are hard…….

…try getting engaged or being married. It’s like it leveled up and now things are just harder.

God Damn It

Can I just have at least one week to do absolutely nothing?

I just want to sit in my undies and eat pizza and pass out. Repeat. For a week.

This whole “being committed to one person for the rest of your life” thing is ruining my diet.

Dear Obnoxious Lady,

We’re all stuck here together at the airport. Your husband walked away as soon as you started complaining. Why on earth do you keep talking…

And please don’t brag about your 3 year old. I can assure you she’s far from a prodigy. I’ve seen dogs better behaved and with higher IQ.

Sincerely,

Pissy, Grumpy Southwest Passenger