What Happened?

What Happened? You'd know if I tell you. But will I?

I’m gonna bite off more than I can chew and I’m gonna chew like hell, damn it.

Reblogged from stingburnkill

Remember this post from months ago?

Yeah, I’m fucking choking.

What a fantastic night………… /s

I just had a screaming match with my fiancé which started off as an innocent conversation about nothing really.

We were talking about how women in some industries are being treated badly and then you know, Mr. Know-It-All-And-Don’t-Need-Nobody’s-Opinion started pretty much questioning everything I was saying. Now keep in mind, I usually don’t even engage him in conversation because this is exactly how shit starts. Since what I was saying was backed by scientific research, I thought I’d go ahead and tell him about how media strongly influences his idea of beauty and I even googled it for him. But of course, nobody fucking tells him what to think or do and he pretty much ridicules me saying that it’s stupid to think that media has anything to do with what we think.

I got tired of hearing his shit so I said he’s a god damn idiot. And I was willing to leave it at that and have myself a good night.

You can probably guess that it didn’t end at that, but instead he called me an idiot.

I don’t even remember what the fuck he said but it pissed me off so I may or may not have flown off the handle. The rest of the “conversation” went to how I don’t have any fucking opinions about anything anymore and how talking to him about anything doesn’t make me feel good or better about anything. And then I yelled and said to stop treating me like a fucking child because now I’m fucking second guessing myself and doubting myself all the time since every time I had to do something I had to ask him first and whenever I had an opinion different from his, it was wrong somehow.

New Puppy is ruining my life

and she won’t even cuddle (the main fucking reason why I got her in the first place).

She’s got too much energy, energy I cannot match and now I’m regretting this whole thing and blaming myself for thinking I’m gonna have the same awesome relationship like I had with my last dog with this totally opposite dog who’s got the spirit of a demon and the will and stubborness of a teenage boy.

But I’m gonna stick with it and hope all this shit is just puppy stage.

Damn.

I’m fucking beautiful.

I hate it when people force you to take 50 pictures when you’re just trying to hang out with them.

I hate it even more when they force you to smile every single time.

And I absolutely hate it when they tell you how to pose and now your body is all kinds of twisted.

"Here are some ugly ass pictures of you with fake ass smiles looking really uncomfortable. I’m gonna tag you and post it all over facebook. You’re welcome."

I Regret Nothing

I slept all day.

I got up to pee then went back to bed.

I got up again to eat something then went back to sleep for 5 more hours.

Now I’m up and I don’t know what to do with myself.

"I'm sorry he made you feel that way. If it's any consolation, I want you to know I still think warmly of and care deeply for you, and I sincerely wish the best for you. Take care, old friend."

Asked by jaybreezy

It’s alright, it’s my fault. It’s what I get…. It’s good to know you still care. I still care very much about you and am sincerely happy to know you found someone who can make you happy. I want you to know I’ve always wanted you to be happy wherever or whoever gives you that. I tried hard to hate you for leaving but I can’t blame you and I hate that I still don’t hate you. I hope you’re happy there and if you are, that’s good enough for me.

PS

Thanks, dad…. That’s exactly what I needed. I was doing so well with my depression and then you came to visit to remind me how unwanted I am. Thanks! I needed a trip back down into a deep, dark hole. It’s kinda cold in there, just the way I like it. 

So daddy came to visit me a few days ago….

I haven’t seen him in 3 or 4 years…. He thought it had been 10 years…. Maybe it had been. Lots of things change in just a year, y’know.

Still, he only spent one night and left.

Since he left, I’ve been going out (getting myself McDonalds and Panda Express). I come back home to just lay around for hours and peacefully rest (my tired eyes from crying from a deja vu feeling of him leaving me all over again).

This is the guy who’s gonna walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Why am I not excited to plan a wedding, I wonder? (Because it’s all bullshit and all for show)

My fiance forgot my father’s name because we never see the guy. I almost got offended that my fiance didn’t know my father’s name. But why should I get mad at something that’s not my fiance’s fault. I don’t even know my father’s middle name, favorite food, what he does in his spare time, why he can’t spend any time with me, why he left, and why does he keep leaving, etcetera.

I’m gonna bite off more than I can chew and I’m gonna chew like hell, damn it.

Look, I don’t want you to think I’m a bitch

I definitely am but only in my private thoughts.

If I hate your guts, you probably wouldn’t even know it unless you’ve been an insufferable POS to me. Even then, I’d probably be unbearably "nice" to you.

My father once told me, “Kill your enemies with kindness”.

This “fan” of mine says we look so similar we might as well be twins.

After some thought and outrage on my part, I figured she’s right.

We’re both ugly. I’m ugly on the inside. She’s ugly on the outside.

It’s F****ing Thursday!

The count down in this shitty neighborhood begins!

In exactly THREE days from now, I won’t have to wake up from doors slamming, children screaming, stomping apartment neighbors, police sirens, or from plain annoyance that we ever agreed to live in this wretched place for an entire year.

Also, I had a therapeutic and enlightening conversation with a stranger… My depression has a good reason for being there and it all makes fucking sense now. Knowing what is causing this dreadful feeling of hopelessness really helps me out because now, I’m better prepared to handle it. I also learned something new… The term, “gaslighting”.

New life, here I come! <3

There’s no more denying it.

I’ve been depressed for a while now.

I tried to look for answers as to why I feel the way I do. Maybe it’s because both my parents abandoned me. Maybe it’s because I’ve trusted the wrong people. Maybe it’s because I’m genetically predisposed to feel this way.

I don’t know the answer.

And quite frankly, I’m tired of sulking around and destroying myself from the inside out. I’m fucking disappointed it took me this long to want to get back up on my feet. I’m better than this.

Starting right now, no excuses. Fucking respect myself. Fucking love myself. Fucking pay attention to myself. Fucking defend what I want, need, believe in, and feel.

Nobody is gonna do it for me and I need to fucking fight for myself.

Ain’t takin’ no more shit from nobody. Not from my fiance, not from my parents, not from my siblings, not from my idiot neighbors, not from my frenemies. I need to fucking live my life the way I’ve always thought I should.

I’m a fucking great person with a great fucking mind and a great fucking heart. If you gonna try to use me, abuse me, hurt me, fuck wit me —- I’ma fuck you right up.

I didn’t get this far to be treated any less than I deserve. All y’all entitled, self-centered, sons of bitches motherfucking dumbasses can kiss my sweet ass.

I guess it’s a good thing…..

Some of my exs are still friends with me on facebook.

Occasionally, they post something interesting and it makes me curious about how they’re doing. And so I go snoop a little….

The good men I used to date are now happily married and already had their firstborns. They’re great fathers to their kids. Most of them are in the transition of buying their first home. Many of them are doing really well in their chosen careers. Sometimes I wonder the awful “what ifs”.

What if I didn’t break up with him.

What if we ended up together.

What if we had a child together.

What if it was me in those wedding photos.

What if that was me in her place.

Damn, I’m so much hotter than his wife. I wonder if he still thinks about me……

After a while, I know I made the right choices because I don’t want any of those what ifs even though these guys seem to have the perfect life. They take good care of their women. They give so much to their children and they make great husbands. But I still don’t want to be with them. Then or now. I’m pretty happy with who I’m with now and that’s never happened before (this is a pretty big deal, I just realized).

One of the guys I dated was as perfect as you can get them. He promised me everything a girl could ever ask for. He did everything perfectly and it made me sad knowing that I could never reciprocate his feelings or actions. I broke up with him because he was a good guy who deserves more than I can give him. I told him he would be happier without me.

And I was right. Look at him now. He has a pretty wife who loves him and she gave him a child. She’s probably a proper lady and she probably goes to church every Sunday. She probably bakes, cooks, cleans, takes care of their child then takes care of him when he gets home. She probably doesn’t have “issues” like I do. Now they’re in that pretty little house with white picket fences and big windows. Picture perfect family. I’m happy for him. I never could have given him something like that.